Wednesday, 12 August 2009

• Currently Survivor By Destiny's Child Brown Eyes see related

  I'd rather put you down

  
  

  Why is it so easy for people to put down and disrespect the ones they love, yet so hard for them to honor them, and tell them that they love them?
  
  I was talking to my boyfriend last night, when he pointed out to me that I often speak negatively to him. I don't say anything too terrible, just a little comment here and there when something happens. I'll call him stupid or an idiot -- nothing much worse than that. But him bringing it up really made me think.
  
  Growing up, my parents weren't that affectionate. They never said 'I Love You' very often, and a lot of their communication came through putting us down, joking or not. I grew up hearing that I was ugly and stupid, and although I knew that they didn't mean it, it planted a seed in the back of my mind that grew into insecurity as the years went on. I see it in my younger brother now, he probably caught the most reproach out of any of us since he had two older sisters on top of the not-so-supportive parents. Now I see in him a lonely, withdrawn, sometimes depressed teen, with a lot of suppressed anger and emotion -- which was me five or six years ago as well.
  
  So it makes me wonder how we would have turned out had our parent been more loving. What would have happened if they had told me that I was beautiful or smart instead of belittling me. Would I have turned out better? More well adjusted? Luckily for me I'm strong-willed and strong-minded so I didn't go off the edge into a state of depression (though I had my moments), but I;m hoping that my brother has the same tenacity to at least survive his teen years.
  
  Sitting there listening to my boyfriend talk about the things I say to him made me realize that I've unknowingly inherited my parents' communication methods, something I said I'd never do. The last thing I want to do is make anyone feel the way I did for most of my life. It's not something I want to pass on to my own children when they come along. 
  
  Another side-effect from all of this is the difficulty to articulate the way I feel about the man I love so much. In that same conversation he asked me why it was that I loved him, and although I knew exactly why and exactly how blessed I feel to have him in my life, I just couldn't get the words out the way I wanted to, and eventually gave up. It's frustrating. Why can't I just say it?
  
  I've come to the conclusion that it's all a defense mechanism. In the back of my mind I really don't want to put myself all the way out there, or be so transparent. I don't want to tell him how I feel because once I do, there's no turning back. I put him down because it makes me feel like I'm in charge of the situation and of my feelings when it really isn't doing anything progressive or positive for either of us. And then the question is, why do I feel like I HAVE to be so guarded? Here I am with a guy that I KNOW loves me more than anything. I know that he wouldn't do anything to purposely hurt me, and I know how badly he wants me to just be comfortable and open up to him.
  
  With all of that said, I resolve to do two things in this relationship:
  1. Replace my negative vocabulary with that of loving and positive words
  2. Try to break down my walls and fully let him in (though this one may take a bit longer)
  
  -- c0laa
  

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